Text © Richard Gary / Indie Horror
Films, 2013
Images from the Internet
SRS Cinema
70 minutes, 2012 / 2013
Warlockhomevideo.com
www.srscinema.com
www.MVDvisual.com
Images from the Internet
Sexsquatch:
The Legend of Blood Stool Creek
Directed by Chris
Seaver SRS Cinema
70 minutes, 2012 / 2013
Warlockhomevideo.com
www.srscinema.com
www.MVDvisual.com
This is the lovely story of an impetuous
lad missing his girl back home as he nobly fights the dog-eat-dog world of…
naw, I’m just messin’ widcha. As you can pretty much guess from the title, this
film is just terrible, mostly ineptly created, and was a joy to watch from
beginning to end. And I want to make this clear, it was more so because of all of that rather than despite it. Heck, I watched it twice.
The flick is the kind of nearly
softcore film that Rhonda Shear would have introduced on late-night television,
if not been in it herself. This is total cheezwhiz on a cracker followed by a cheap
beer. But there is a catch…which I will discuss later.
Borrowing from the ending/beginning of Cloverfield, we see something splash
down in a lake in some rural – I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be hillbilly –
spot, which actually looks pretty nice, comprising a big house with a lakefront
view and access. It was filmed, of course, in Honeoye, NY (about 35 miles due south
of Rochester).
In the prolog scene, a couple with very
strange accents (he over-enunciates and she speaks Valley) meet up with the
Sexsquatch, and of course, nothing good becomes of it other than joyful separation
of body parts for the viewer.
Skippy and Leo |
That’s when we start to get introduced
to the event known as “Joey’s Fuck Party.” It seems Joey is still a virgin, and
to save him from such a terrible state, a group of friends, family and loved
ones plan to get him laid, as soon as they can figure out who is going to be the
lucky one.
The leader of this group of horndogs is
Leo Dechamp (Tobe Lerone, aka Josh Suire). Apparently, Leo is a character Josh
has played in such previous classic Ron Bonk (he’s to SRS Cinema what Charles
Band was to Full Moon) releases as I Spit
Chew on Your Grave (2008; not to be confused with 2001’s I Spit on Your Corpse, I Piss on Your Grave,
both of which are also on SRS). Leo sports the purposefully worst wig and
mustache on this side of…well, anywhere. With his constant “I Put Ketchup on My
Ketchup” tee-shirt, his character is a solid – not to mention chubby – female-body-part-grabby
yahoo braggart who has some great lines. He’s also part of a threesome who owns
the property where the story takes place. In real life, Suire also directed Death O’Lantern in 2011.
The female part of the trio is Crystal
(Anne Marie Nouvo), who is quite fond of grabbing her own boobs at any chance she can get. As with most of the female
cast, it’s cleavage front and center. Sadly, she is one of the smarter
characters in the piece.
The last of the ménage a trois is my favorite character, the donut-obsessed Skippy
(Steven Deniro, aka Andrew Baltes), who has a long ponytail (I’m guessing also
a wig), and is in constant Robert Deniro mode, with the squinched up face and
voice. He has, by far, the best bon mots, many of which are non-sequiturs. Here
are a few:
1. “Hey, you guys remember Falco? What
the fuck was that guy’s deal? ‘Rock Me Amadeus’? Looks like something that fell
out of Boy George’s asshole.”
2. “Buffalo wings? Bah. You know what
they call wings in Buffalo? Wings. Buffalo wings; makes my hole burn.”
3. “Looks like a fuckin’ mountain goat
or one of the velociraptor things I keep hearin’ about. I mean, look at the
wounds. Classic raptor or goat attack.”
Actually, there are so many great and
outrageous pieces of dialog throughout that I could do this whole review with
parts of the script. Going forward, I’ll add some when I discuss the
characters. And I’m only scratching the butt… I mean surface.
Joey, the virgin |
And to answer Skippy’s question of “So
who do we have coming to this orgy of pain and pleasure indivisible?” The party
is for Joey Jeremiah (Chip Rockastle, who is supposed to be a teen, and the
closest he makes that is to get his voice cracking). He’s a dumb shit – to be
fair, so is everyone else – who can’t see what’s being offered in front of him.
His big life plan? To be The President of
Show Business. He posits, “I’m just finishing up a great movie idea about a
bunch of space turds that invade a New York suburb. I think I can get someone
like Woody Allen or Roman Polanski to direct it.”
Muppet wannabe, Jennifer |
His obvious love interest is the cute
Jennifer (Savanna Ramone, who played the ‘30s style actress in the 2009 Terror at Blood Fart Lake… yes, butt
humor is big with this troupe). She has a hysterical blink-and-you-miss-it
moment as a Betty Lou muppet move. Jennifer is probably the closest character
to reality, but she still gets to say lines like, “Look, I know how you feel
about my tits and ass. Do something about it. Like I said, use that passion for
your films and put it all over my body. Make me a work of art by using your
mighty dick and using it as a pen. My pussy is your canvas. Mold me…experience
my flavors.”
Also along for the ride is Joey’s mom,
Muffy (Francine Mitchell, who is probably not much older than most of the other
cast). She wears clothes that are too tight and short for her body parts, and can’t
seem to draw within the lines of her mouth with her lipstick. Oh, and she also
commonly makes what is now known as the cell phone self-shooter’s “duck lips.” The
scene where she queefs out the “Happy Fuck Day” cake candles is priceless. She
is excited to see her little boy become a man. On arrival, she informs Joey
that it “seems like only yesterday I was tit-feeding you. And now, now you’re about
to bury your flesh trunk into the swollen and juicy caves of some tramp. Life
is good. Party! Woo-ho-hoo!“ Muff later challenges the potential cherrybuster, “Well,
bitch, what say you? Don’t leave him hanging. Literally.”
Three of the fodder characters are the extremely
busty Mudhoney (Varla Darling; nice Russ Meyers reference in her role name),
and the 1980s togged and constant high-fiving Lucas (Dutch Hogan) and Lance
(Peter Lieberman). Their best moment is
after one of them is killed by the Sexsquatch, the whole group goes Bollywood of
sorts, and breaks into a brief Ska moment.
Marmalade and Stink Fist |
Then of course, there is Stink Fist,
the Sexsquatch (Rod Bollo Skin) from another planet who has a bet on how many
earthlings he can eliminate by – get this – the Sabbath. He kills people and
then cornholes them with his (unseen) baseball bat sized schlong of death. Quite
erudite, relatively speaking with this group, he has a bit of a British accent
and a keen sense of direction of killing (e.g., ripping out intestines, turning
victims into human puppets). The ginger make-up and costume on him is both
funny and ridiculous, but works in this context.
He is followed around by the insane and
corpulent Marmalade (Spamuel L. Jackson, I kid you know; I am assuming that most
of the actors’ names are made up). With her TMNT tee-shirt buried under layers
of clothes, she is cross-eyed, and has it in for the group who have not taken
kindly to her being there, confronting her with, “Who the fuck are you? Get the
fuck outta my fucking house you fucking piece of shit!” (said by Leo). She is
totally loony tunes as shown by this piece of dialog between her and the
Sexsquatch:
Marmalade: Now it’s just, who’s next? Who are you going to pick? I say you go for the ladies first. Then you can cut off one of those big old teats, and I can sew them on my own chest and walk around like Cloris Leachman, or, you know, somebody elegant and fancy like.
Stink Fist: You know, I’m going to say
this out loud, so you can grasp the severity of it. You creep me the fuck out.
You know how much it takes to creep out the Sexsquatch?!Marmalade: Now it’s just, who’s next? Who are you going to pick? I say you go for the ladies first. Then you can cut off one of those big old teats, and I can sew them on my own chest and walk around like Cloris Leachman, or, you know, somebody elegant and fancy like.
There is some (but not lots of) cartoon
blood and gore, but that doesn’t stop the party. As Leo states at the top of
his lungs at the suggestion of calling the cops, “Fuck the police. Fuck cryin’.
Fuck goin’ home. Fuck this movie [looking directly at the camera]. We stay; we
party like we never partied before!”
Crystal and Leo |
Let me digress and give you one more
piece of pure heavenly words, once again stated by Leo to Muffy as he flips
pepperoni slices into Crystal’s ample bosom: “Well, I was All-Star Champion three years running at the International Cleavage
Pissing Games in Germany. My award hangs proudly next to my mummified head of
Hitler, the various buttholes I scalped off people who fucked me over in the last
decade. I can show you Muffy; it’s some interesting stuff, I assure you.”
A funny thing about this film is that with
all the sex talk, the boob and butt grabbage, and the simulated softcoreness I
mentioned earlier, there is absolutely not one piece of nudity in the entire thing.
Cleavage, a ton. Nipples, nary a one. Well, on the men, there are, but that
doesn’t really count, does it…
Backing the film is a lot of great ska
music, including the likes of Mu330, Troglodyte, Skankin Pickle, and the
amazing The Planet Smashers (check out their “Fabricated”). Extras are some SRS
trailers and a fun bloopers reel.
Yes, this is one wickedly stupid and
inane film that makes Family Guy look
like Happy Days. But it’s just so
much fun to view. Plus, it seems like everyone on this set was having a blast.
And in the words of the Wizard, a character that crops up occasionally in some
of Seaver’s films, “Shabbat Shalom, motherfucker!”
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