Text © Richard Gary / Indie Horror Films, 2018
Images from the Internet
The Litch
Produced, photographed, directed
and edited (among others) by James Balsamo
Acid Bath Productions
90
minutes, 2018
https://www.facebook.com/thelitchmovie/
James Balsamo films are the manifestations of a Joke-of-the-Day desk
calendar, mixed with a copy of a B-level People
magazine, with a splash of Penthouse.
All that’s missing is the Pez dispenser. In other words, his end result is a somewhat
consistent hot mess of gooey fun.
 |
| James Balsamo |
As always, Balsamo is the star of his own film, in this case playing a
petty thief named Vinnie. But let’s be real, like any Abbott and Costello
release (among many), he essentially plays the same character with different
names and situations. In a previous one, he was a rich guy about to lose his
money, and yet in another, a cop. But in each case, they are essentially the
same guy: sloppy, snarky, and horny and often clad in shorts. So as the immortal
question is paraphrased, “Why is this film different from any other film?” The
easy answer is that it’s not. And I don’t have a problem with that.
As for the titular Litch (or the alternative spelling of Lich), it is “the
Old English word for Corpse,” according to Wikipedia, and in literature refers
to a magical being who controls others to do his bidding (this is my shorthand
version). The Urban Legend website states it is a “spellcaster that has
magically increased [its] lifespan to the point of becoming undead.” In other
words, a soul eater who not a nice creature. And Vinnie is about to find out
just how nasty it can be.
Before the film even
starts, Vinnie has stolen a crystal from some mystical shoppe, and now the
Litch is after his ass, taking over the bodies of those around him, including a
friend (Mickey) and girlfriend’s (Mallory, I kid you not), mid-hump.
Thankfully, there’s a flashback (narrated by Vinnie) of the origin of the
creature in its present form (I’m guessing the 17th Century?), as well as the
previous week leading up to Vinnie stealing the Litch’s crystal.
 |
| Dave Stein as the Litch |
Along with the story,
there is a lot of fun filler, and I really don’t know what other word to use to
describe it: for example, while playing with his dog we see clips from
commercials and television shows (including a couple featuring Balsamo’s real parents
and brother, and others with cameos, which I’ll get to later), and stuff like
that; another is shots of Balsamo doing whatever (such as standing in a park)
while he waxes pun-etic on the narration.
I may have said this
before, and odds are hopefully I’ll get to opportunity to say it again, there are
certain approaches one must take when watching a Balsamo flick, such as not
only one must have a suspension of disbelief, you really have to just say fuck it and strap yourself in for the
ride. If you start asking questions, well, you’re watching the wrong film. Second,
you really must bring out your teenage self, with all the belching, topless
women, and bodily fluids that run amok and often fill the screen. The plots are
held together with scotch tape and filler and those cameos (which I will still
get to), but again, this isn’t trying to be Schindler’s
List. Hell, he’s not even trying to be a second-rate director who is trying
to be a serious artiste like Judd
Aptow (showing my personal taste here a bit). Balsamo’s output is an indie
genre all to itself that is almost ridiculous to the point of, “well, fuck reality,
I’m going just on the ride and having fun.” That is why his films work so well.
But the thing is, you
see, there is a smartness below the sur… well, I’m not sure I can even get away
with that. This is Balsamo being Balsamo, and we’re all the lucky for it,
because it’s stupid as Trump and thrice as fun. Unlike most films these days
that actually seem to start being interesting 20 minutes after the prologue(s),
this one keeps going right on through, even with the filler which contributes
little to the story, but also adds to amusing time.
So poor small time
thief Vinnie has the crystal and, like the red ruby slippers, the Litch can’t
touch him directly, so he turns the Vinnster’s friends, family and acquaintances
into ghoulish creatures that are hellbent to cover Vinnie in every possible
kind of slimy upper-half bodily fluid. Think of a very gross Nickelodeon.
Speaking of which,
the effects are a very, very nice mix of gross, cheesy and effective.
Decapitations, brains pulled out of heads, and so much more, all guaranteed to
give the viewer the glees, with the right mindset, aka the right mindset, in my opinion.
The Litch is dressed
like a Vinnie Price in Witchfinder
General (1968), and tells puns that make Freddie Kruger’s sound like Schopenhauer.
There are some genuinely funny moments, such as Vinnie’s encounter with a mob
enforcer named Sven (Eben McGarr), or the exchange between a magician, Adequate
Levi, and his assistant. Melody Peng has a nice moment near the end, as well.
These are just a trio of many examples.
 |
| Terra Strong, EG Daily, James Balsamo |
As I was promising,
let’s discuss cameos. Yeah, I know, I talk about this during every Balsamo
review, but it’s worth revisiting. Most indie films have a couple of big cameos
in their films, who get top billing for their couple of hours work. Amateurs,
compared to Balsamo. The film can barely go 5 minutes without a cameo by an
actor, death metal musician, or a comic magician; sometimes they play themselves,
sometimes characters, but in most (but not all) cases, they’re on screen for
about a minute on average. Many times it’s obvious that Balsamo shoots the footage
and then figures out where to put them into the film later. What I especially
find amusing is that one of Balsamo’s shticks is to have them really insult him
and/or physically abuse him. Here – and this is only the tip of the list – we
have the likes of Tom Sizemore, the Amazing Jonathan, still lovely and still
diminutive Elizabeth Daily (aka EG Daily, e.g., 1984’s Streets of Fire), Dick Warlock (The Shape in Halloween II and III; and was also in Blazing Saddles), fire-eating Scream Queen Debra Lamb, more recent
Scream Queen and budding director Genoveva Rossi, and of course the
irrepressible Lloyd Kaufman.
My only real major
complaint after all that? Not enough Frank Mullen, as he’s an East Coast guy
and Balsamo (and bro) are relatively recent ex-pats to the West Coast. You’d
have to see previous Balsamo films to get why, and you should.
The ending was certainly not what I was expecting, which is a good thing.
Is it silly and ridiculous? Yeah, but it works in the story, and if you think
you have it all figured out, you may be surprised. And stick around for after
the credits,
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