Review: The VelociPastor

Text © Richard Gary / Indie Horror Films, 2019

Images from the Internet

The VelociPastor

Directed by Brendan Steere

Cyfuno Ventures / Hollow Tree Films / Laika Come Home /
Wild Eye Releasing / MVD Entertainment

75 minutes, 2018

www.wildeyereleasing.com

www.mvdb2b.com

I’ll be honest with ya, as I always am… I try to review things in the order I get them, but as soon as I saw this, I put all others aside and threw this on the player. Some films project that they are so bad that they grab your attention and say, “Oh, you’re gonna wanna see this” to me. A priest who turns into a velociraptor? I’m all in, dude!

It’s important to note that this is not just a version of a werewolf film, it’s actually more. In no particular order, it’s an homage to the amazing bad horror films of the mid-VHS period of the late ‘70s-early ‘80s, before there was CGI (most of the effects are practical, but there is one key digital moment during a flashback sequence in the middle); also it’s as played-straight comedy filled deliberate errors to emulate the micro-budget VHS features; it’s brilliant in its own goofy way; and there are so many genres thrown in and mixed in a bowl here it’s bound to get your attention, a multitude of styles of movie mayhem from that period you liked.

Greg Cohan

So, let’s break it down a bit, first with what’s going on, in the most surface of ways as I don’t want to ruin any of it for you. After a tragedy, Father Doug Jones (buffed-out Greg Cohan) travels to Asia where he comes in possession of an artifact that lets him turn into the titular creature: a very rubberized man-in-a-suit that looks more like a mini-T-Rex. Meanwhile he comes to the acquaintance of forbidden love object and hooker Carol (Alyssa Kempinski, who has some killer cheek bones), while gangsters and a Chinese warlord priest with Japanese Ninja guards who speak Korean come sniffin’ around with various agendas. Then in Family Guy fashion, there’s those flashback memories of family and war. Who will win the battle for Doug’s soul, as it were?

 

Okay, now for the framework of the film. This isn’t the first one of use deliberate measures to show low budget and incompetence (Richard Griffin’s Seven Dorms of Death [2015] comes to the top of my head), but it’s still a hoot. Here, there are action shots missing with a notice for the CGI to be added later, and when a head is ripped off, it’s pretty obvious (i.e., intentionally) that it’s a store mannequin’s topper. The fight scenes are straight out of the Dolemite school of martial arts. There are other fine moments that had me laughing out loud, but I’ll leave that as a bonus when you see it.

Alyssa Kepinski

The acting, again, is a mix of purposefully hammy and dead serious, and the two leads especially not only excel in this (it’s actually harder for a good actor to pretend to be bad, than the other way around), but really seem to be having a blast playing these roles. Meanwhile there’s lots of blood and cheesy-type gore, enough to make a splatterfest fiend smile, but not necessarily turn off a neophyte fan of the red stuff.

There are some decent extras here, including an amusing nearly 9-minute gag reel, the film’s trailer (along with a bunch of others), captions that can be a bit on the quick side, and at the Texas Fightmare 2019 Festival Midnight Screening Q&A hosted by Matt D. (representing Wild Eye) that lasts over 28 minutes. Usually the sound quality for these festivals is terrible, but this one wasn’t too bad, I’m happy to say. Present are the director, Cohan and producer Jesse Gouldsbury. The group were amusing, telling great stories and explaining the genesis of the film (originally a school project of the director’s) with humor straight across.

Then there is the film commentary, which I was looking forward to hearing; it is also Steere, Cohan and Gouldsbury. Sometimes it’s a bit hard to tell who is talking, but most of what they are saying is fun and relevant (though there’s a bit of dross, such as discussing the food they are eating while recording the commentary). There is a bit of overlap from the festival Q&A, but that is common and forgivable. Mostly it’s enjoyable, and it’s pretty obvious these guys get along. I do wish that Kempinski was in on it, too; I think hearing a female perspective would have enriched the experience, but I don’t want it to sound like I’m complaining, because I’m not.

One of the strong points of the film is the look and editing. There is a lot of split-screen action that is incredibly well done for a group that is this novice, i.e., haven’t made that many features yet. Steere discusses how time-consuming certain scenes were, and I believe it. Beautiful to look at and kept the pace moving along.

My favorite scene in the film is towards the end, involving the Ninjas during an emotional moment, but I won’t give it away. There is talk in the commentary about a sequel in the works. If that’s so, I am so up for it. It’s actually quite difficult to purposefully make a “bad” film and have it shine like this hybrid horror / action / kung fu flick.