Review: Texas Chainsaw Mascara

Text © Richard Gary / Indie Horror Films, 2023
Images from the Internet

Texas Chainsaw Mascara
Directed by Bill Zebub
Bill Zebub Productions; MVD Entertainment
73 minutes, 2022 / 2023
BillZebubproductions.com/
www.mvdvisuals.com

Man, it has been quite a while since I saw a film by Bill Zebub, an extremely prolific and profane filmmaker; the last release I reviewed of his was Pumpkin Man (the Ultimate Edition) in 2019. 

This clearly states on the cover, “This is not a parody!!!” Zebub is known for off-beat comedies, with films like Zombie Christ (2010), and Dickshark (2016); this film, however, is done as a horror drama.

Manic Panic multi-colored haired Danielle (Dani Bliss) and Andrew (Andrew L. Thomas) are vacationers a loooong way from home, somewhere in rural Texas (hence the film’s title), where they are out to find the house where Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) took place. However, their car gives up the…transmission? They are traveling with Mike (Cheyenne Mobbs) and Bill (Aaron Marquez). Luckily (or not), they run into arm-sleeve local Heather (cute Heather Beck), and Andrew immediately starts insulting her (e.g., her use of the word “cuss” rather than “curse”; yeah, he’s that petty). You may have noticed that many of the characters in this film use the same name as the actors portraying them.

Anthony L. Thomas, Heather Beck

Heather takes them home to her hovel, (except Bill, who stays with the car) where they meet wheelchair bound Zombie (director Bill Zebub) and Piggy (Marc Pearce), who wears the head of a, well, you know. There is also Susan (Maya Waters), married to Zombie, who seems to be in control. However, with Mike telling Andrew some locker room talk and Andrew being a real dick to Susan (e.g., demanding bottled water rather than tap, and having an anti-Christian tee shirt), the Yankees get taken by the Southerners (who have no discernable accent).

An interesting aspect of this family of cannibals is they are not over-the-top nutsy (despite the pig head), such as the Sawyers or even the Fireflys (this film is influenced by Texas Chain Saw Massacre and 2003’s House of 1000 Corpses in its general storyline).

There is also a bit of cultural philosophy thrown around, especially between Susan and the New York crew, with the differences between them in the way they look at their own lives. It is a driver of the film, but not swamped in it. But it does give a nice psychological edge to go along with the violence. It should be noted that Zebub comes from – if I remember correctly – New Jersey, if that means anything to ya. It could be noted that both sides of these groups are making assumptions about the other. Deadly ones. Both sides are assholes, yet they are also empathetic at the same time, which is nicely done.

Maya Waters

Now, let us discuss some sex and violence: Nearly all the extreme violence is done off-camera (low budget necessity), but the post-gore looks really good, especially in the third act, of course. As for body parts, nearly all the women show underwear at some point, but only one gets nekkid (I will not say which); women in underwear is a Zebub trope. Needless to say, not a single piece of clothing is removed from the males. Make of it as you wish.

Yeah, most of the acting is a bit wooden, but again, you know what you are getting, and in this case, it is a decent story and some bloodshed. That works for me.

As with most films, this could have been edited down a bit, such as the “Gethsemane” moment of Bill’s, where he accepts what he must do after cursing out the powers that be; it lasts a bit too long, seemingly long enough for a ballad song to play out on the soundtrack. It is a decent tune, but the point is made half way through it.

The extras on the Blu-ray may not number much, but they are huge. In no particular order there is the Painful Meow video (5 min) of a song called “The Bubble Voyage.” Uh, yeah. Basically it is Zebub rhythmically talking over off-key synth (played by him) with animation that includes a dog floating though the air via a gum bubble, while a man with a pumpkin head and various animals dance around. It is a bit over my head.

There is also a series of shorts called “Gaylord” (26 min). Yeah, I am clueless on this, too. It is a bunch of bits strung together about some feminine gay themes. It is more annoying than anything else, honestly. They focus on said “Gaylord” (Brian Gelitz, a seemingly straight guy cartoonishly “acting” gay) who plays stereotypical. These feel more like either a blooper reel or “extra scenes” thing from around the filming of Dirtbags, but it is not connected to anything. Oy. I kinda gave up at 18 minutes. Personally, I would have liked to have seen some Zebub trailers, instead.

The big extra is a 119 minute 2023 re-cut of a 90-minute feature, Dirtbags (2002). Zebub has a history of rejigging his earlier films, such as one of my favorites, Worst Horror Film Ever Made: The Remake (2008). This is, however, the first time I am getting to see Dirtbags in any variation:

Basically, Dirtbags is a meandering story about three – er – dirtbags. There are drug dealers Bill (Bill Zebub), who is going to college to study Nursing, and George (George “The Slayer” Stiso), and their buyer Scott (Scott Tergeist). Scott is a bit of a ne’er-do-well who lives with his hyper Christian dad (Parker Weller).

The whole point of the film, it seems, is to see how offensive they all can get. The film is highly racist (including a blackfaced “Ebonics” speaker with bulging fake eyes, putting down Black history, and even the use of the word). Meanwhile, Scott frequently zones out and fantasizes about near-naked women dancing around or usually tied up with the camera zooming around their “bits,” sometimes while he takes himself in hand. Scott also keeps asking his father ridiculous questions about his faith (I am an Agnostic and can ask better questions than If God creates, and Jesus was born, how could he be the Son of God?, for example}. Then there is a homophobic depiction of an effeminate gym boss (Tom Cartier) hitting on his employee Andy (Carl Williamson), and coming on to Gaylord (Brian Gelitz).

Sybelle Silverphoenix

Bill has the hots for George’s sister, Anne (Bronx-born Hungarian model and Sean Weathers’ muse Sybelle Silverphoenix). There is also a random cameo by Peter Steele (d. 2010), the bassist of Type O Negative, in obvious inserts into the film, not that I have a problem with that.

It is pretty obvious that a lot of the dialogue is ad libbed around a planned story which, again, I find fine. I did find myself double-speeding the film on the parts with no dialogue. My favorite scene, however, concerned a pizza delivery guy. It is also fun when the film employs the music from “The Little Rascals”/”Our Gang.”

Bill Zebub, Silverphoenix

There is also an attempt at philosophy with the helps of a Dream Goddess (Suzi Lorraine).

For me, the important thing about including Dirtbags is seeing how much Zebub has grown as a film maker from 2002 to 2022. It is like going back and reading something you wrote as a teen after you have been writing for a while. It is also noteworthy on how the style of music included in his films have changed. In the early years, a lot of it was death metal (see Zebub’s documentary, Extreme Metal Retardation), whereas now it has more of an off-kilter melodic tone.

It is the main feature, Texas Chainsaw Mascara, that is the real find here.

IMDB listing HERE