Review: Hollywood Werewolf

Text © Richard Gary / Indie Horror Films, 2023
Images from the Internet

Hollywood Werewolf
Directed by James Balsamo
Acid Bath Productions
91 minutes, 2023
www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063503922846

As I have said before, when you get a James Balsamo film, you get consistency: bizarre silliness, puns, cameos, and it rarely rises above ridiculous. And yet, every time I hear a new one is out, I get excited. If you are looking for some deep, serious narratives, meaningful acting, and arty motifs, well, you just have not been paying attention.

Andy Dick, James Balsamo

For his latest, he has managed to rope in Andy Dick (most known for “NewsRadio” and bad behaviour) as the titular Elliot Wolf. He was a child star who hit the lowest points possible, not including being a werewolf (which we see right off the bat). But it was this that led him to the lead part of (a different, as is pointed out multiple times) visionary director Elliot Wolf’s new film, Hollywood Werewolf.

The premise of this film is a mock documentary by director Wolf about actor/werewolf Wolf. Confusing? I think not. This style sets up well for the inclusion of many and many a cameo by cult musicians, actors and filmmakers, a motif that is omnipresent in Balsamo’s films.

Documentary films tend to be short segments strung together in a common theme or topic. This gives a chance for multiple people to ad lib and have some obvious fun as they promote their own characters, such as “Saved by the Bell’s” Troy Fromin’s audition tape for (director) Wolf’s next art film, “The Life and Death of an Avocado.” Mixed in are insults to (actor) Wolf by the likes of a fired cue-card guy, his limo driver (who turned Wolf in when he killed three strippers, but still drove him to the trial), and his poor bedraggled manager, Marvin Orange (Balsamo regular and voice actor for multiple Manga films, G. Larry Butler).

Then, of course, there are interviews with (actor) Wolf’s ex-girlfriends, whose talking heads are mixed with “sex tape” scenes of them in a shower, covering themselves with various food substances, such as chocolate sauce and baked beans/hotdogs (surely to show up in Balsamo’s nudity Sexy Time collections).

I will say that some of the jokes that are bandied about throughout generally work pretty well here, many dealing with the names of films, or insults to actors (such as Lindsay Lohan; see the trailer below). Some people interviewed are given names like Chet Taint and David Davidson, and have descriptor titles like “Wind Enthusiast” or “Urethral Sound Enthusiast.”

Balsamo has come a long way from cameos where some band member(s) or actors were obviously filmed in an alleyway or on the street during a convention where they just insult Balsamo’s character, whichever it is in a particular film. Here his drop-ins play parts and seem more connected to the storyline (and from what I can tell, this ain’t nuthin’ compared to one of his next films, Robot Dracula), such as Eric Roberts, who has also appeared and starred in a number of Balsamo releases.

As for Andy Dick being the star of this, well, I will say he was physically present. He did not seem very engaged with what he was doing, but he actually is not in the film very much (which is probably a good thing), but the name recognition works. I liked the sparse werewolf make-up, though, which reminded me – in part – of Michael J. Fox’s in Teen Wolf (1985)

Despite the bouncing boobies and petulant puns, there is an interesting sociological aspect to this film. No, I’m serious! On one hand, it is a commentary on the temporary fame of child stars and how it can screw up one’s life. There are so many examples of this, like Anissa Jones (d. 1976, age 18), Aaron Carter (d. 2022, age 34), Todd Bridges, Erin Moran (2017, age 56), and Dana Plato (d. 1999, age 36), as well as so many others. Child actor Paul Peterson even “founded a child-actor support group, A Minor Consideration, to improve working conditions for child actors and to assist in the transition between working as a child actor and adult life” (Wikipedia).

Another aspect worth noting is the effects of fame on those unprepared for it, and how the need to sustain that level of notoriety even when undeserved for any real talent (think Kardashians). That is where our titular Wolf stands, at the crossroads of both of these junctures.

IMDB listing HERE

Review: Slice!

Text © Richard Gary / Indie Horror Films, 2022
Images from the Internet

Slice!
Directed by James Balsamo
Acid Bath Productions; Apokalupto Enterprises
73 minutes, 2022
www.jamesbalsamo.com

Generally speaking, other than Putt-Putt, I find golf and golf-related films exceptionally boring, be it The Legend of Bagger Vance (2000), Happy Gilmore (1996) or cult comedy Caddyshack (1980). However, this is a James Balsamo release, so my interest is piqued.

Sorry to give this away, but you gotta love a film that starts in the short, pre-credit-prologue with the killing of Robby Krieger of the Doors on the Tender Holes Golf Course (get it?)…with a door. His acting is horrendous, but who the hell cares!

James Balsamo, Robby Krieger, John Hitt

This helps introduce our main villain, Iver Rose, aka the Bogeyman (get it?) who has a human body, but whose cigar chompin’ skull head is huge and round, and has the golf ball dimples on the top of its head, which was designed by Tom Martino. Somehow, it reminds me of the killer in Killer Waves. He is silent and is happy to make divots of golfers whenever (just because I am not a fan of the sport, does not mean I do not know the lingo; I have multiple family that live or lived at golf resorts in Boca Raton, not at Mar-A-Crapo). He kills mostly with a golf club with an ax handle at the end (nice touch). While the Bogeyman is not played by Balsamo (different body shape), but he is certainly voiced by him.

Right off the ball – er – iron, we are introduced to the mayor of the town, Eric Roberts, who has been in a few of Balsamo’s later films, mostly sitting, as usual. The mayor is as slimy as they come as he refuses to acknowledge the deaths on the golf course to keep it open for a money-soaked Tournament (shades of the mayor in Jaws).

There are tons of cameos, as in all Balsamo’s efforts, such as (but hardly only) Rikki Rockett (drummer of Poison), PJ Soles (the Riff Randall), Mark Scheffler (Last House on the Left), and director Brian Yuzna (Bride of Re-Animator and Faust). A complaint I have had, but had not mention in earlier reviews, is that many of the cameos went over my head; even if I knew who they were, I may not have recognized them (such as CJ Graham, who was Jason in Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives, or John Kassir, who was the voice of the Cryptkeeper on “Tales from the Crypt”). But here, in many cases the Bogeyman mentions both the names and affiliations of the guests, for which I am very grateful.

My one true issue with the film is that there is obviously no redubs of the voices, so there is a lot of echoes and mumbling, sometimes making it hard to understand what purposefully ridiculousness they are saying (which is why I watched this with the subtitles on).

The Bogeyman

Lots of blood splatter and gore, which has steadily been better looking as Balsamo’s film go on. That is not to say some of it is pure cheese, but in general, the splatter gives the film its center, and there is an enormous body count, some off camera (i.e., the celeb cameos, one obviously taken at a horror convention table). Who could ask for anything more?

This is completely pun-filled, as is the wont of Balsamo, including a short but hilarious bit concerning the sheriff (Casey Orr, aka Beefcake the Mighty), who has a southern drawl despite the film taking place in California, and his two violent deputies, the punny Officer Downs (Danielle Stampe) and Sy Borgg (Hunter Jackson) (get them?). One of the Sheriff’s targets is the main hero of the tale, Chase (co-writer John Hitt). He’s just one of the many characters who show up on occasion, such as Rodney Callaway (Balsamo, who also plays Alabaster Dick, a heavily made-up sports announcer).

Speaking of which, in many of his films, there is oral narration by Balsamo to give us some exposition and occasional puns. Well, while he voices the Bogeyman that sort of does the same thing, here there is a series of set pieces, introduced by title cards, such as “The Mayor’s Office,” or “Pro golfers daughters [sic] slumber party.”

Speaking of the daughters, there is a lot of gratuitous full-frontal nudity with pillow fights, showers, and dancing by (I am assuming) three strippers, combined with the amusingly gratuitous poster on the wall of Balsamo’s film, Alien Danger! With Ravenvan Slender. Heck, why not both?

My idea of a Brooklyn slice...

The ending is bat-shit crazy what-the-hell. While I will not give it away, there’s lots of stop-motion creatures, puppets, full-sized rubber suits, and even a cameo by the bat from Bite School. 

Films like this defy convention and are in a whole subgenre of their own, such as those by Balsamo or Bill Zebub. Their work cannot be categorized, have a lean towards sexism in the form of said gratuitous nudity, and are so off the wall in weird productions, gaffs, and just plain nonsense, that the end product is all the better for it. I generally admire that. They also almost always have the director in some role, often as the lead, which is just fine and dandy. Films like this are non-pretentious, and clearly are self-promotional in a way that is enjoyable. They tend to push the envelope, and while both these directors have a different motivation, they have a similar style that one could call amateurish, but I call just non-clean fun.

And, it looks like there may be a sequel. Yay.

IMDB Listing HERE

Review: You’re Melting!

Text © Richard Gary / Indie Horror Films, 2022
Images from the Internet

You’re Melting!
Directed by James Balsamo
Acid Bath Productions
60 minutes, 2022
www.jamesbalsamo.com
www.facebook.com/acidbathproductions

Yeah, so I basically begin nearly every review of director/writer/actor/etc. James Balsamo’s films the same way every time, so to condense it: auteur, (usually horror) comedy, extremely prolific output of work, Balsamo’s narration, shots from an airplane, full of bad but enjoyable puns, female nudity (which is okay because nothing personal, I really don’t need to see Balsamo’s naked bod, as he is always in his films, much like Mel Brooks, another filmmaker I love but do not want to see in that way), animation (both Claymation and cartoons), lately Bill Victor Arucan, and tons of cameos. And yet, I am always happy to get to see his work. Some of these listed above are bound to crop up in my comments, but they will all be in the film.

For this relatively short opus, Balsamo plays Nathan Ender, a plastic surgeon who is out for revenge by killing all the other plastic surgeons as “The Witch Doctor” (i.e., a masked killer). On his trail is Detective George Skully (Arucan) and his assistant, Heather Gummer (blue-hair-tinted bodybuilder Ria Papageorgiou); we see them interview 1980’s-1990’s star Jennifer Rubin, who plays Ender’s co-office surgeon. Along with the killings, there is a lot of gratuitous nudity and dancing, which is to be expected in a Balsamo release, of course.

While the revenge premise of killing plastic surgeons is quite clear, the film has a bit of a cobbled together feeling, which is both good and, well, a bit weak, especially for a film this short. For example, there are a few mostly or totally nude dance sequences that really are gratuitous and does nothing for the story with either two or three women strippers and in one case a male (the latter is actually better at it). Yeah, I know these will probably show up on one of Balsamo’s anthology Sexy Time series (and rightfully so).

Joe Estevez

There is also a ridiculously long sequence of three surgeons (including one played by Joe Estevez, brother and uncle of other better-known actors, playing Dr. Richard Smothers – where’s Tom?, or was he named after Smothers’ son, porn actor Dick Smothers?) walking in a circular path through a Chinese...I’m not sure…Museum? Art gallery? While this happens, the three riff off (ad lib) nonsense that does not promote the story at all in a woe-is-me fashion, or just screaming dialogue. That being said, the “Where’s Waldo” effect with the Witch Doctor in this sequence is cool.

I am also confused about one of the dancers on a ritualistic altar as the Witch Doctor runs a (cool looking) knife over her body. Is she supposed to be a plastic surgeon as well? It is incongruous with the story, especially with her smiling as the knife skims her naked flesh. Then there is the topless dancer who sings and plays the piano for what seems like a really long time. See, this is why it feels cobbled together rather than an actual narrative story.

There are some interesting cameos here and there, such as Brian Bonsall (the younger kid in the TV show “Family Ties” and the Klingon youngster in “Star Trek: The Next Generation”), wrestler (always a wrestler) Tonga Fifita reading poetry, and bizarro filmmaker Jim Wynorski (I like his films), among those I have already mentioned among quite a few others.

And what was the reasoning for the stop-motion monster further on in the film? The story was left quite open, I am assuming for a sequel at some point, as Balsamo has been doing that a lot lately.

I have a theory: the Witch Doctor is actually played by Bobby Canipe Jr., under the mask. The cinematography is by Cagney Larkin. Balsamo’s actual role is a miniscule cameo and the rest is voiceover. So, what I’m thinking is that this film was directed over the phone (or Zoom) by Balsamo, but it was mostly produced and edited by him and shot while he was away making multiple other films. That would explain the inconsistencies and weirdness of whatever was going on in the plot, such as it was. This was more an idea than a story.

While not the strongest of the Balsamo releases that I have seen, and I have watched quite a few – nearly all I enjoyed – there are some good elements to this, especially the set designs and I like the Witch Doctor mask. Despite all my quibbling, I am still looking forward to some of Balsamo’s upcoming releases, such as The Righteous Adventures of Commander Star Shark and Guppy!, It Wants Blood 2, and especially I Got a Bullet with Your Name on it!, among a dozen others that are currently in pre-production, production, or post-production.

IMDB Listing HERE 

Trailer is HERE 

Review: From Dusk Till Bong

Text © Richard Gary / Indie Horror Films, 2022
Images from the Internet

From Dusk Till Bong
Directed by James Balsamo
Acid Bath Productions
90 minutes, 2022
www.jamesbalsamo.com

Man, there are a surprisingly large amount of horror spoofs that rely on the word “bong” in the title, such as Bong of the Dead (2011), and the entire and incredibly numerous Evil Bong franchise from Full Moon. And speaking of prolific, there is Long Island to Los Angeles transplant director James Balsamo.

From the title of this release, there is no question that we are talking about a comedy. Well, it’s Balsamo, and that’s his genre: horror and action comedy. What I find interesting is that this is closer in feel to Shaun of the Dead (2004), though this deals with vampires, so I’m willing to bet that’s why the name was adapted from From Dusk Till Dawn (1998); besides, there is no arguing that the present title revision is witty, coming from James “Mr. Pun” Balsamo.

Balsamo’s character (yes, he likes to star in his own films, what of it?) is down-on-his-luck millionaire playboy Tony Canoni, a character who was introduced in Balsamo’s BiteSchool (2015; yes, this is a sequel, or at least an off-shoot) who starts by narrating his expository introduction to explain why he’s screaming while holding a chainsaw, riding a giant bat (puppet), bathed in a monochrome red filter. This is followed by a brief bit of madness and extreme over-emoting by once mainstream A-lister Eric Roberts in a blink-and-miss-it cameo

To begin the crux of the story, vampire slayer Screaming Jay Pigeons (professional wrestler The Supreme Fighting Machine, Charles Wright, who is in the WWE Hall of Fame) is dressed in New Orleans’ type white skull face paint, sort of doing a more profane version of Dr. van Helsing, killing off a couple of neck biters as a nekkid image of his wife Leonora (J.E. Scripps) pops in and out. He is aided by his partner, Father Gill O’Teen (G. Larry Butler). This is merely some introductory buffoonery (meant bemusedly, not insultingly) that one comes to expect in a typical Balsamo film: fun, a pun, and women’s buns.

This is a common theme in my reviews of Balsamo’s films, so please pardon the repetition, but it is important and a key function of the auteur structure of his filmmaking: Balsamo’s films, because he shoots them overlapping with so many other projects of his own design, tend to be episodic, or set pieces strung together. This is not a negative comment, just an observation. This can lead to some clever gags, and sometimes it means things jump around from one thing to another, and then back again without rhyme nor reason. Well, the reason is, I am assuming, opportunity to film or an getting down an idea while it comes up. So, the film jumps back to Canoni and his vampire bat stuffy-doll-sized pal named Spat (about as big as Chucky but cuddlier and fuzzier, it is also voiced by Balsamo in a falsetto voice) as they discuss what has happened since Bite School 2 (2020; while I have seen the first release, I have not yet seen the sequel, so this is helpful). Balsamo is a big proponent of conversational (or narrative) exposition.

Cameos are a bit less abundant here, but many of the actors do come from the worlds of either professional wrestling or music. For example, there was the momentary Eric Roberts exposure, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and some decent (and over-) acting from Robert Felsted Jr. (of the band The Moonshoots, and was also good in a lead role in 2019’s slasher film, Hanukkah), as Canoni’s friend Bill Diamond. 

The film, which I am assuming is shot guerilla-style (filmed in Nevada, with other shots using green screen to imply that it is the desert), mostly uses natural light and sound. This means on occasion, the sound varies (such as Canoni’s voice fading in and out when talking to his bat friend outside the Pit Stop Restaurant), and occasionally the scene is dark or washed out as a lot of it is shot either in a cave or during bright sunlight (these vampires have no probs with solar light), but as I am a fan of shooting off the cuff (i.e., not paying for a license), I’m okay with it. Besides, it beats lugging heavy lights around when you’re always shooting on the move. I say, save that money for the special effects and catering.

There are a lot of vampire-fighting combinations going on between Screaming Jay, the Padre, Diamond and Canoni. The final act of the film is mostly in a cave and occasionally hard to make out, but thanks to a flame thrower, that lights up more than just the neck (and dick, apparently) biters. Many a vampire – er – bites the dust, including Raven Van Slen…I mean Bill Victor Arucan as a Chinese undead who hops like a rabbit. No idea why.

A lot of the make-up/masks look pretty good, especially one with a face on his cheek, and the puppets are silly looking, but again, it’s not trying to be a Rob Bottin creation (nor a John Carpenter budget). There is lots of cleavage and nudity (all female), so I guess that’s something? All the better for one of Balsamo’s SexyTime compilations. 

Except for the darker scenes, you get what you get with a Balsamo film, and I’m always happier after seeing one. There are a lot of cool throw-away lines and gags (such as fighting a flying bat with a baseball bat), so you may want to pay some attention between spliffs (again, I’m straight-edge…seriously). Speaking of which, as the title, implies, there is a bunch of jokes about the big bright green pleasure machine, and surprisingly limited images of an actual bong.

As Canoni mentions, he’s off to fight Robot Dracula, so I’m pretty sure we’re going to see more of him.

IMDB Listing HERE 

 

 

Review: Alien Danger 2! With Raven Van Slender

Text © Richard Gary / Indie Horror Films Blog, 2022
Images from the Internet

 Alien Danger 2! With Raven Van Slender
Directed by James Balsamo
Acid Bath Productions; Alien Donut Films
71 minutes; 2021
www.facebook.com/acidbathproductions/

The video starts with the same Toy Dolls silly music video with which the first film ended, but I do have to admit that it’s easy for it to become an earworm, so be warned (said with a smile)

I must say, the opening animated sequence (not sure if it’s cheesy CGI or stop-motion, of both) mixes a bunch of genres together, including a version of Japanese Mecha-Godzilla meets The Three Stooges, the Transformers, and the Power Rangers. It’s goofy (a word I’ve used and will continue to use often for these films), but I had a big smile on my face for the sheer ambition of it. Plus, there’s the cameos during it by Rob Halford (voice of Judas Priest) vs. Casey Orr (aka Beefcake the Conqueror, bassist of Gwar). And that’s before the always fun animated credits by Rob Yulfo, featuring a different song that is very similar by the Toy Dolls.

I need to make this clear: sometimes it may seem like I am insulting the film by saying the sets are cheap, the effects are corny and the acting is so over the top that they are in the stratosphere, but let us be explicit in that it is all purposeful, and it is fun because of all this nonsense, not in spite of it. If you’re looking for Star Wars, Star Trek, or even Battle Beyond the Stars (1980), well, you have either come to the wrong place or not stoned enough (note that I am straight-edge). Balsamo is infamously leaning towards the happy weed, so I am sure he is encouraging it with his films. I can understand if one gets more out of it in that headspace, but I’m enjoying it for what it is: a hot mess.

The cameo villain in this volume is General Legs (voiced by Pinhead himself, Doug Bradley), but meanwhile, genre bending is the key here, as the first segment of an actual story is leader, hero, and incredibly amusing Raven Van Slender (Bill Victor Arucan) and the same crew as the first film (this part was either filmed concurrently, or immediately after the first part), including slug sandwich obsessed Eepa.the Nood (director Balsamo), go to Ravenwood Forest in Robin Hood mode, to help King Mark Catapult (rather than Capulet; that made me laugh) and his princess daughter. Side note: I’m only 14 minutes into this thing, including the music video, Mecha- opening, animated credits, and some b-roll from the first film. To be clear to the audience, who most likely are quite lit by this point, Van Slender even points out that this is like Robin Hood and Sherwood Forest, for those baked or unread enough not to know.

Just a digression, in the first film, Van Slender’s catchphrase was the titular, “Alien Danger!” Here it’s “Adventure awaits!” However, the “Alien Danger” line is also used. No point in me mentioning this, just observing.

As with Part 1, most of the “alien” differentiation is face make-up of different colors (again, as with the previous review, I give you the original “Star Trek” series, which often employed this style to indicate difference of aliens). Here, there are also uses of some different masks, many of which actually look quite good, lots of CGI effects, and especially the use of Green Screen technology (I am convinced that “Star Trek” would have done the same if the means were available in the 1960s).

After we leave the forest, the next genre bending is based on the mythical Western at the Okie-Dokie Corral, with cowboys and cattle. Okay, forget the cattle, but there is a campfire (well, a fire pit anyway, and no beans). After the obligatory showdown, we next slide over to a world of professional wrestling, which explains the cameos by the likes of Sgt. Slaughter, Barry “Krusher Khrushchev” Darslow, and Sione “Tonga” Valihai. And still only 30 minutes in.

At around 45 minutes, the group is fighting monsters on another planet. We also find out some personal information about our titular hero. At 50 minutes, we’re back in ancient Egypt and Cleopatra (Tracee Cocco) and her killer Martian mummy(s) … yeah, you read that right. There are a bunch of short bits after that such as an intergalactic Ouija board, but I’ll leave it for now rather than cataloging.

The point of me stating the times is the indication tat there is a lot going on here. Perhaps its not a consistent narrative or cohesive story, but the set pieces keep the viewer from getting bored. After all, like puns – one of the director’s specialties to the point where he has a book published of them James Balsamo’s Total Pun-ishment; Bad Joke Book – if something that is silly goes on too long, it gets wearing, but by changing it around so much, the interest of “what the hell next?” may keep your attention.

Of course, there are a lot of cameos, such as director John Landis and the always fun Vernon Wells, who I still believe is the best character of Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior (1981), and actually shows some actual acting chop while seeming to really have fun with his role here, sans mohawk. But it is worth noting the following: used to be most of the cameos in early Balsamo releases tended to be filmed in an alley behind whichever horror convention or metal concert he attended, and usually they just insulted or beat up on Balsamo, sometimes both. While Landis is a quick come and go, others like Wells are actually incorporated into the story, in this case as a helmeted villain, The Shadow Knight (who subtly quotes John Cleese’s Black Knight in 1975’s Monty Python and the Holy Grail!). The quality of the cameos is improving.

Yes, there are more in the franchise coming, such as Alien Danger 3: With Raven Van Slender, and Raven Van Slender Saves Christmas, both expected by the end of this year.

IMDB listing HERE 

Review: Alien Danger! With Raven Van Slender

Text © Richard Gary / Indie Horror Films Blog, 2022
Images from the Internet

Alien Danger! With Raven Van Slender
Directed by James Balsamo
Acid Bath Productions; Alien Donut Films
80 minutes; 2021
www.facebook.com/acidbathproductions/

James Balsamo must be one of the most prolific directors on the indie scene. In fact, I cannot think of anyone of the top of my head with the output level he has achieved, except possibly Mark Polonia.

Let’s say right from the start, if you are not familiar with the works of Balsamo, that he has a sharp auteur direction, with nearly all his films being not only comedies, but what you find when you go further than over-the-top. And yet, I’m a fan.

Despite his prolificosity (yeah, I know it’s not a real word, but go with me), I do believe that this is Balsamo’s first delving into science fiction. The feel of the film is mixed. It reminds me a bit of the outrageous 1970s sex space comedies like Spaced Out (1979) and 2069: A Sex Odyssey (1974), and yet retains the goofiness of television kids shows like “HR Pufnstuf” (1967-70) and ”Sigmund and the Sea Monsters” (1973-75).

Our hero is the funny Raven Van Slender (Bill Victor Arucan), whose space crew, including Eepa the Nood (director James Balsamo, who [purposefully] over-plays more than one role here), who runs afoul of the evil Overlord Enil (also Arucan) doing his best Ming the Merciless.

While much of the make-up is colorful face paint (remember the budget), the thing you may notice from the start is the large amount of animation. As usual, the credits are cartoons, but we get to see odd creatures on other planets that are either puppets, CGI or stop motion photography. Either way, it may not look realistic (again, budget), but it is incredibly imaginative and fun. And the main focus of a Balsamo film is the fun quotient, which overrides everything else, be it overacting, cheesy sets (more on that in a moment), the common use of green screen technology, or pastel make-up. Now, yes, the sets look like they cost about a dollar-fifty, but you know what, have you watched the original “Star Trek”? The sets (especially other planets) are comparable, so just enjoy it and don’t think too hard.

Much of the opening is exposition about the background of our hero (spoken by an animated Cyclops-eyed blob. But it also includes some nice easter eggs, such as a shot of a beach that is the locale of the iconic finale to the original The Planet of the Apes (1968). There are also subtle flashbacks to previous Balsamo releases, such as the bat from Bite School (2015) a creature from It Wants Blood! (2019), and the diver from Killer Waves (2016).

As always, Balsamo relies on a core of his usual cast, such as Arucan and the flexible Katherine Pegova, but there is the ever present and numerous cameos, as well, such as Rob Halford of Judas Priest, a seemingly confused Tommy Chong, Joe Estevez (Charlie Sheen’s brother), Tuesday Knight (1988’s A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Warrior, Beverly Randolph (1983’s The Return of the Living Dead), and many others, including a version of the gorilla alien from Robot Monster (1953).

There is not as much a coherent story, though there is the backbone of one, as much as set pieces that give Balsamo a chance to show off the animation and imagination. Van Slender and his loyal crew of misfits battle against the Evil Overlord.

My only real quibble with the film is that sometimes the sound is either too low for this old man’s ears (too many Ramones – and others – shows in my youth), or occasionally the voice is manipulated electronically, and I can’t really make out what is being said. But if it is uttered by Eepa the Nood, you know it’s going to be a pun, since Balsamo is a pun king. Speaking of which, unlike most previous Balsamo films, there is no “Nood-ity,’ including toplessness. The sexiest thing is Pegova’s fully clothed silver onesie outfit. However, true to form, there is a subtle drug reference with some mention of mushrooms that are magic, though not consumed.

I could go as far as say that this could probably play on broadcast television practically uncut. I actually hope that does not deter anyone, because, and I’ll say it again, it is completely goofy fun, and if you are into imbibing in substances, liquid or plant, you might find yourself having WTF laughs.

Stick around after the credits for a music video directly connected to the film, by the… group? single performer? The Toy Dolls, from the UK. Reminds me of the early version of the New York band The Fast, or an upbeat adaption of Gary Numan-kind of synthesizer pop.

The review of the sequel Alien Danger 2! With Raven Van Slender, will be the next blog.

IMDB listing HERE 

Review: It Wants Blood

Text © Richard Gary / Indie Horror Films, 2021
Images from the Internet

It Wants Blood
Directed by James Balsamo
Acid Bath Productions
103 minutes, 2021
https://www.facebook.com/It-wants-Blood-2242376705997870

Yeah, super-prolific feature director and writer James Balsamo is about to drop another one, and I am so looking forward to it, as always. Let’s strap this on and move forward without further delay.

I am fond of Balsamo’s comedic formula, as I have said before, which is no exception here. His films, while mostly narrative, are also a collection of set pieces strung together, this time with more coherency than some of his other works. A grateful reviewer thanks you. There is also lots of blood (well, it is in the title, after all), gore, and naked women. There is also Balsamo’s voiceover, which starts as exposition; this lets the viewer know what his character, Phil Blunt, who has no moral compass as always, is thinking.

After a couple of prologues, including one that gives a nod to Green Inferno (2013), we meet Phil, whose job is to dig dirt on political opponents. Like I said, zero moral compass. I’m not sure if his last name is symbolic for his approach to life, or what he smokes. Knowing Balsamo, probably both. What I do know is just about all of Balsamo’s characters are the same, much like Abbott and Costello, or Laurel and Hardy: no matter what the role, it’s essentially the identical character. I am very okay with that.

Eric Roberts

Essentially, though, this is a story about two rival families, the Montagues and the Cap… oh, wait, I mean Senator Du Sang (a frail and exhausted looking Eric Roberts who spends most of the film in a lounging chair) and his bloodthirsty monster, and his philandering political rival Bruno Bastine III (Bill Victor Arucan) and his gore munching creature. Maybe it should have been called “They” Want Blood?

On the Du Sang side, there is spoiled rich girl daughter Julie (Mikaela Moody), Madame Du Sang (Ola Ray, infamous as Michael Jackson’s “girlfriend” in the “Thriller” video; this is her first role in 20 years), and his bro-bro, Victor (Steve Railsback, who starred in the infamous 1985 Lifeforce, and as Chuck Manson in 1976’s Helter Skelter). Their monster, the Nodoto, looks really cool, like a tusked elephant with bat wings for ears, its trunk has a snake like end, and its head has a gaping vertical mouth. It is kept in Du Sang’s wine cellar (which seems to be his backyard).

Notodo

On the Bastine lineup, there is his busty wife Delilah (Amy Dumas, professional wrestler who goes by Lita). His big troll-headed flying dragon creature, the Zawazo, hangs out in the back yard by the pool, munching on whomever comes by, whether it is by invitation or not.

Both of these monstrosities are supposed to give power for the upcoming election, promising power and fame. Both politicians are going to need it. The Bastine side is pretty incompetent, and Du Sang is, well, let us just say he has Republican tendencies.

Zawazo

It’s not surprising that Balsamo would come up with a narrative around elections, with the political climate of the last couple of years. It’s a dog-eat-dog scene, or in this case, Zawazo-eat Nodoto-world. As each politico struggles for power, the more gore the monsters get to feed upon.

While I am at this point, let me ‘splain about the creatures. First of all, they look amazing. There are, it seems to me, three different versions of them. First, there is the full-sized puppets, which are my favorites. Then, there is the hand-puppets (essentially, the close-ups of the snake-snout), and third, there is the models that are used for pixilation (aka stop-motion photography, for those who don’t know about the likes of Ray Harryhausen). All three were very impressive works for the film’s overall budget that I imagine.

Amy "Lita" Dumas

And speaking of bodies, there are a lot of them, from bloody parts being flung or lying on the ground, to complete ones unclothed (most of them having sex with Blunt, of course…hey, if I were a director, that might be the route I would go). What I really like about this, for all those who are going to cry sexism since the only fully nudes seen are female, Balsamo does not go for a ”type,” but rather all are welcome. Some of the women are thin and others are chunky. If you’re expecting all ‘80s-VHS style model shower scenes, you’re in the wrong place. However, if you want some reality within your frame of beauty, this is the place for it, tatts and all.

As always, there are dozens of cameos, such as by Brinke Stevens, Felissa Rose, Joe Estevez, and Eileen Dietz (aka Pazuzu from The Exorcist, 1973). Many of them are musicians of death metal bands that I really don’t know, but most are people who have made a mark somewhere along the way, like Craig Muckler, co-writer and producer of The Microwave Massacre (1979).

James Balsamo

There is one subtle shift in many of the cameos from previous Balsamo films: usually, the actor or musician would often be shot in an alley or a street (during a convention), saying nasty things about Balsamo’s character (remember, no moral compass). In this case, they are in Public Service Announcements (PSAs) putting down Senator Du Sang. This is a nice change.

What is consistent with just about all of Balsamo’s releases is that it is funny, from beginning to end. The humor is a mix of broad jokes and, if it’s the Balsamo character, it is puns. One of his jokes is based on a Dom Irrera line about “Italian School,” that had me laughing.

I say this every time, but it bears repeating. If you’re looking for perfection, you’ve come to the wrong place. There are continuity issues (the sound changes within a single scene, for example), the acting is often questionable, and the writing is just plain silly. But here is the thing, and it is an important one, if you’re looking to just enjoy yourself and escape from the shitshow that is current politics, sit right down, and have a blast.

I love that the film was dedicated to the late, great Carmine Capobianco (d. January 2021). While I never met the man personally, I have long admired his work, especially in this millennium, such as Model Hunger (2016) and The Sins of Dracula (2014), along with a host of Balsamo’s releases (they are from the same neck of Long Island). Honestly, I can say that I have never heard anyone say a negative thing about him.

And speaking of prolific, it seems Balsamo is also in post-production with his next two features, 14 Ghosts and the sci-fi Alien Danger! With Raven Van Slender. Sad thing is, now I gotta wait.

Trailer is HERE 

Review: Sexy Time

Text © Richard Gary / Indie Horror Films, 2020

Images from the Internet

Sexy Time

Directed by James Balsamo

Acid Bath Productions

90 minutes, 2020

www.facebook.com/youdieatdawn

www.acidbathproductions.com

“Do you like boobs alot / Gotta like boobs a lot” – The Fugs, 1965 

When I was a young man and Times Square was still Times Square, there were stores you could go into and for a small fee, watch videos that were shorts or a collection of scenes from other films. That’s kind of the idea here.

When I interviewedBalsamo back in 2015, I asked him why he made films, and he professed, “While filming topless women and partying with some of the rock stars and celebrities in my films are a great perk, what really drives me to make them is my love for cinema. But let’s be real: mainly it’s for the boobs and partying at this point in my career.” This kind of underground release from Acid Bath Productions is a mixture of those films and the work Balsamo has done to-date, the list of which is prodigious.

I mean, after all, there is a pandemic going on, and if you can’t go out and make a film, why not stay home and cannibalize your own output, to make something creative and something new from the old?

To be clear, what this “film” is, to put it as plainly as possible, is a compilation of “sexy” scenes from Balsamo’s past releases, which feature body parts of mostly females, but the occasional male genitalia gets a peek-a-boo, as well.

Many of the women featured in Balsamo films, along with scream queen serious actors, are strippers and porn stars who are out and about to show their wares and talents, be it jumping around, partying, twerking, or nude arm wrestling (I kid you not); and because this is a Balsamo film, often being killed in gruesome ways while flashing the camera (e.g., such as in the shower or bedroom).

Again, because he is so prolific in his output of features, and he knows how to connect with people at conventions, he has quite the repertoire to draw from. What’s interesting is that there an assortment of all body types, from chubby to skinny, to – er – surgically enhanced. And considering the sources, there are a lot of tattoos, including some odd designs. Oh, and there are the piercings of various body parts, such as nipples and tongues among many others, that are emphasized in some shots.

Extended clips (i.e., a scene as opposed to a montage or moments) are identified from which film they are culled with an imprint on the corner (not to impede our viewing pleasure). Most clips are solo shots, some are male and female, and there are the occasional female and female, for those of you who are into that sort of thing.

Of course, Balsamo is in some of the clips, as he tends to be the central character in all his films, but the variety of males is wide (and sometimes green).

Nudity and murder… Okay, now I hear you asking me about the sexism level. Well, call it hypocritical, but sometimes baseless nudity is more acceptable in some projects than in others. I mean, if Princess Leia was starkers with Jabba rather than that bikini, that would be gratuitous. However, when you are dealing with a provocateur like, say, Hershell Gordon Lewis or James Balsamo, it’s kind of a given that there is going to be blood and boobs involved.

Now, how successful is this collection when it comes to sexy time? I would say that would depend on your disposition. For example, as much as I was amused by the bountiful tatas, booty, etc., what didn’t turn me on was how much of it involved slaughter of the said nekkid person. In context of the story, I can be bemused by it, but clip after clip of assaults by knife, vampire teeth, etc., is not necessarily something that makes me want to pull down my zipper. However, I know that will be an even larger enhancement of the action for certain people of both genders, who live in a world of extreme cinema.

Be aware that although a lot of women are killed in this anthology (as are men, I should add), there is no rape or sexual violence; the sexuality is secondary and separate to the action; in other words, they would be killed the same way dressed or undressed in the story, so it’s not that the nudity leads to the violence. I do believe that is an important point. Balsamo explained to me: “Our casting process is really complex. A lot of work goes into the entire process and it involves a series of auditions and usually a lot of debate. I’ve always had a charm with the ladies but of course on an Acid Bath Productions set, all of our actors and actresses are treated with the utmost respect when doing nude scenes.”

I am grateful that the names of the films are given (as this is not in chronological order, but rather a mash-up/smash-up), to remind me of what is from what. Balsamo is among the most prolific filmmakers out there (and a lot of his films can be found reviewed on this blog by searching his name in the upper left corner of the screen), so it’s not always easy to remember which release had what action. I do, however, wish the name of the actress were included in the scene, as well. The names are listed in the final credit crawl, but that doesn’t help identify who is who, when the names are followed by “Topless” or “Not Topless.”

So if it is not necessarily good for yankin’ the one-eyed yam or pushin’ the pearly gate, depending on the gender you ascribe, what is the overall purpose of this? What I found it useful for – other than a nice voyeuristic cinematic road trip – is that if you were wondering about James Balsamo and whether it would be worth your while to plunk down some hard earned doubloons on his creative art, this can give you an overview to help you make that choice.

See the trailer/preview or rent/buy the film HERE: